As a girl, I always like to think that I am more the user of logic than a heart-driven lady. But maybe I was looking it on one side only. Lately I realized, my heart is the ruler of me. I am the type of person who would never survive a broken heart. And if I do survive, it will involve hard struggle and the deep knowledge of Defence Against the Dark.
I must thank my one of my particular friend of this invention of emotion.
I did many mistakes in life. But this mistake prove that imperfection and wrong decision sometimes could kill.
Many years ago, in the journey of finding myself, I found out that I have a very dark nature. No need much to say, but it involves lots of emo feeling and blood. To the horror of me, my personality disorder test revealed that I am also schizotypal, beside schizoid and paranoid. I tried to accept that and struggled to find my own sun and I did. I feel normal, to the very least.
But it’s another struggle to maintain that level of normality. To the protection of me, the shield of heart was built. By then, my brain processed the most of my emotional decision. My heart is only the side note. The confirmation.
If I may say, the logical decision works best on most subject. Even the love life and such. I survived so many times from a real broken heart. I once fall, and yes, it needs years to stand on both feet again. But then again, I never know that broken heart caused by lover is easy compared to the one that caused by your friend, more if it’s by someone that you call best friend.
To cut the story short, my logic failed me, cost me the high price of friendship and I am left broken hearted.
This broken heart wrecked my shield. And the dark force is released. Emotion stirred up easily, the emo feeling streaming free, the depression is just in brink, and the thirst of blood is somewhat unbearable. I must bleed to ease the pain. Or escape to the world of fantasy, where nobody can hurt me.
No, this note is not the shout for help or a way of seeking attention. It’s just my way to struggle, my way to ease the pain and lessen the dark force. My only wish for the end of this struggle is happiness.
I always believe that happiness is not a destination. It’s a journey. Happiness is to be found along the way. And yet, I also believe that happiness is a mood, it is not permanent. It comes and goes. It is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. As Ayn Rand once said, “My happiness is not the means to my end. It is the end.”
Perhaps we can’t survive, but we will able to reborn
.
and reborn I shall. just like phoenix, born again from the ashes